We’ve come into a new year. Some of the memorable moments include postings of yet more people of color, usually black, had been harmed or murdered by police. Black bodies were preyed upon by whites emboldened like never before in history since the Jim Crow era, and the only reason is their hunger for the white privilege they deny they have and the maintenance of such notions. Let’s not forget the lives of too many transgender people taken and not noticed. This year was indeed a sad and soul searching one.
At the same time, last year was indeed transformative for me. I maintained the position of observation. Like double dutch, I wait for the perfect entry into 2019 to be active and moving over each obstacle as it flies around me. What has lingered is the sense of wonder being here in Vietnam. From the view from my balcony, PICS to the bike rides to and from Ho Chi Minh City, it just feels surreal. This is my life. It is so different than before. I think the struggle is reconciling how I got to be here.
That struggle will linger for a little bit longer, but I feel how it is waning. Ever since I folowed up on a letter I wrote and mailed to my ex-wife, feelings have shifted. The letter didn’t say to much. I basically took time to explain my anger and how it was dealt with. I had sent it a year ago. I knew that there was a possibility of no return answer, but in the end I let curiousity get the best of me and sent a message out of the blue. She hadn’t received the letter. The short exchange shifted feelings away from my heart. The pain is less. I have a lot of thoughts I would like to express to her, but the communication revealed to me that that is not possible. I have to let that go.
I no longer think about her on a daily basis since the exchange and the memories have shifted to happier times, but then there is a little sadness because I have no one to share things with. Then I begin to feel a bit frustrated at not only the fact that I am alone, but don’t have the time to spend with anyone else in the first place. Having two jobs and the need to write keeps me isolated.
This feeling of frustration keeps me on my toes though. As I feel restless and annoyed, it’s because I have words that are clogging up my system. I’ve made such change in my life except for a very important one which is the main goal. WRITING…………..If there was anything that I learned during the month of November is that I am torn. I want to travel, so I need to work a lot to make money. The more I work, the less energy I have for writing. I’m not sure how to make it work. There are a few poeople I need to interview and tap into some ideas of how to make my hustle work. That is another thing. HUSTLE. I’m so used to working for the man that my own hustle struggles.
You know, with my life being in upheaval for the past three years I don’t know how I feel with a sense of peace. With the relationship being on the rocks and then divorce and moving to a new culture…feeling comfortable kind of feels wrong. I continue to be on my guard, yet, I’m excited at the same time. A few people have truly proven to me their integrity and sincerity. I hope to create more lasting friendships. They will never replace what I have in the U.S. but I wouldn’t want that either. My heart still longs to be physically close to some, but it isn’t so. In that my love continues to grow for them.
2019 has begun in a way that I feel there will be some ease for me that I haven’t felt or recognized before. I’ve stuck with the same five New Year’s resolutions for the past 2 years. I think they are the best for me to strive for. PIC After having a conversation about setting resolutions and keeping them, I realize that if you focus on strengths and what belongs in your wheel house you can never fail.
I truly hope that everyone’s new year brings them what they desire and work for. I hope that those who are weak find strength. I hope those who have, have compassion for the have nots. I hope the strong can lift others up. I also hope everyone loves.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!