It doesn’t matter how many times I’m asked “How are you doing?”, in reference to my big move, I just don’t know how to answer. In that moment alone I could be feeling three different emotions at once. The definition of each emotion is blurred with how fast they change inside of me. I risk being called moody. I’ve been called this all my life in such a negative way. I was told in such a way as if I was suppose to change how I related to the world. I can see how it made people feel uncomfortable.
At the risk of seeming moody I remain straight faced when answering. I answer the questions vaguely. I often try to led people to their own powers of empathy and let them try to grasp what I might be feeling…play the scenario…How would you feel…? Can you imagine the range of emotions from just the past year? (troubled marriage, separation and divorce, or from layoff to moving to South East Asia…crazy right?!) I mean, yeah, I’m still processing the past year and now the ever changing feelings.
In general, I am all over the place. Once I recognize which emotion it is I feel another has moved into its place. Considering that I am constantly trying to organize what I got going on in my mind it makes sense that my emotions would shift. Sometimes, I just go into autopilot and just do what is in front of me because it needs to get done. Other times I spend time ruminating on how it is my first time doing something alone or even doing something in a really long time, but not being able to share that with someone close.
At 21 days before leaving for my new life abroad, I am nervous and confident. I am dreamy, expectant and anxious. I’ve been nostalgic for old times, old San Francisco, and certain individuals. I’ve never lived in one place for as long as I have lived in the Bay Area. 19 years! A tremendous amount of life happens in 20 years. Some of it was really great and there were a few shitty things along the way. I can’t imagine my life happening anywhere else…but, what a weird fucking trip it all has been.